Just because you can reproduce doesn't mean you should

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

S/he who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private……failure in full view.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there are no lifeguards.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.

The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlights of an approaching train

If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

And whose cruel idea was it to put an “S” in the word “Lisp”?

If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him….Is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide….is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do “practice”?

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Would a wingless fly be called a walk?

Is a shelless turtle homeless or just naked?

Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous

Police Station toilet stolen….Cops have nothing to go on.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

The meek shall inherit the earth…..after we're through with it.

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.

Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Jesus loves you! It's everybody else that thinks you're a twat.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Losing a girlfriend can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

Jesus is coming! Look Busy.

My Wild Oats Have turned to Shredded Wheat!

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect it back.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

There's no future in time travel.

Laughing stock — cattle with a sense of humor?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For sale: parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Swimming is good for you, especially if your drowning

I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I want patience… AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.

Karaoke is Japanese for “Tone Deaf”

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

A day without sunshine is like night.

A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.

Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.

Bigamy: one wife too many.Monogamy: same thing

Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.

Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.

Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather! … not screaming and terrified like his passengers.

Do not put statements in the negative form.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

I couldn't care less about apathy.

Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now